I’m done wallowing in defeat. I’m not saying that I’m triumphant, or that I feel an overwhelming sense of success and accomplishment. I just don’t feel as beaten down by the Open or my expectations of myself. And that is thanks to 13.4, another workout that seems to be tailored specifically to my weaknesses.
Yesterday I had the perfect recipe to be miserable, and it literally took me 10 minutes while I was getting ready to actually decide I was going to go and not skip it. This is what I was debating as I thought the odds were stacked against me:
- I was still pretty upset at myself about my floor hockey game the night before
- I only got 4 hours of sleep, and still hadn’t caught up on sleep from my business trip earlier in the week
- The wounds were still fresh from (what I perceived as) my failure in 13.3
- Half of this workout was being able to repeatedly perform a lift that was only 5 pounds lighter than my 1 rep maximum
- I knew I wasn’t going to be good at this one, and I was afraid of failure again
The last one was probably the biggest one – being afraid of failure. I ultimately decided to go, mainly because I just wanted to get this out of the way. I actually had the attitude of “well, this is going to suck, I’m not going to do well, so I might as well just do it so I don’t have to think about it anymore.” It ended up being a great decision.
Before I had my turn at this workout I served as a judge for another competitor. This person had never been able to successfully complete a movement in this WOD (toes to bar). During the warm up he got his first ever toes to bar – it was a personal record for him, and he was excited! The WOD itself was a seven minute workout, and he had to do 3 clean and jerks, and then 3 toes to bar before he could advance to the next round. Basically, he did his 3 clean and jerks, and then he went to the bar, and got 1 toes to bar.
Then he struggled for over 6 minutes, continually attempting to get another successful rep, and being unsuccessful for the entire rest of the workout. His final score was 4 (3 clean and jerks and 1 toes to bar). He worked so hard for the entire workout, he never gave up, and he just couldn’t get another rep. I felt like he was going to be devastated. Like he would be angry, and frustrated, and defeated like I felt last week.
Instead, when the timer rang, he looked at me exhausted, sweating, and tired. And he smiled. He was excited that he did something he had never before done. Even though I had just witnessed 6 of the most frustrating minutes for someone that I have ever seen in my gym, he was happy.
And as I witnessed that I felt my own weight lift off my shoulders. I had heard people all week that it’s all relative. It’s about pushing yourself. It’s about how far you personally have come. It’s about getting off the couch and stretching your limits. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!
I get it – and those are all true statements. But when you sometimes just feel defeated, when you are just down, there is nothing other people can do to console you. Sometimes the only thing that can bring you out of it is that gestalt moment. That surreal experience where things just start to make sense again. This fellow competitor just went through 6 minutes of torture, giving it everything he had just to come up short. And to see him treat that a triumph? That was my moment.
Because it WAS a triumph. He did something he had never been able to do before. And he never gave up. And my competing in this Open IS a triumph. I AM a different person than I was two years ago, than I was last year, than I was last month! I have come a long way, and I will continue to go a long way, and I can never give up.
Did I do great when it was my turn? No. But I gave it all I had. And that’s all I can reasonably expect. And I’m happy about it.
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